The Marine Celtic bar

The new Limerick manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a
new centre forward to replace his old and decrepid players hoping to
win the Sam Maguire. One of the scouts informs him of a Young Iraqi GAA
player who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Gaffer flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and
arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Limerick are 4-10 to 1-10 down to Kerry with only 20
minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi lad the nod and on he
goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 4 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game
for Limerick.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the
media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones
his mum to tell her about his first game in the Championship.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we
were
3 goals down but I scored 4 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans,
the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father
got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and
your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a
great
time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "You're f**king sorry???? It's your fault we
moved to Limerick in the first place!"

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There was a Rangers fan at this estuary in north Queensland and he saw a local man in his small boat, fishing. The Rangers fan asked "Are there any sharks in there?" The local replied "No sharks in here." The Rangers fan got behind some trees and got into his swimwear. Once he got into the water he asked the local "Aren't you going to jump in? It's nice in here." The local told him "No, there's too many crocodiles".

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Young Sean finds an orange sash lying in the gutter as he walks down the Falls Road and decides to take it home to show his parents.
"Look what i've found lying in the gutter" he tells his father as he steps in the front door. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his father "throw it in the fire !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the fire when he bumps into his mother in the kitchen. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his mother " throw it in the bin outside !"
So off he goes to throw the sash in the bin outside when he bumps into his big brother. "What you doing with that sash in this house ??" says his brother "throw it out on the gutter !"
"Oh for f*** sake" says Sean. "I've been an orangeman 10 minutes and already i've been re-routed 3 times !!".

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A Rangers fan is out walking his 3 legged greyhound one day when a genie appears and grants him a wish. after thinking for a minute he says 'I want this dog to win the derby'. the genie says 'a three legged dog winning the Derby, cmon be realistic man'. ok says the Rangers fan how about the Rangers winning the champions league?. to which the genie replies ' what was the one about the dog again?'

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Question: What's the difference between a female hun, and a pitbull?                             Answer: Lipstick

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Barry Ferguson dies and approaches st peter at the pearly gates.
St Peter asks him what he wants, he replies he wants into heaven.
St Peter tells him to wait while he checks his list.
St Peter returns and says sorry you are not on the list.
Barry asks why hes not on the list.
St Peter explains only people who have done some good during their earthly time are admitted to heaven.
Barry racks his brain and says i have done good i once gave £2 to the nuns collecting for the poor orphans.
St Peter is surpised at this revelation and says he will have to seek advice from a higher authority he disappears for ages and when he returns says to Barry yes I have found a record of this good deed.
Barry is delighted that his good work has been recognised and says can i get in now.
St Peter reaches over to him and places 2 coins into his hand and says here is your £2 now fuck off ya orange bastard

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A reporter for the Daily Record is walking through the park where 2 young boys are playing football. a dog runs over to them an attacks 1 of the boys. Without thinking the second boy beats the dog to death with a stick. Impressed by the boys quick thinking the reporter writes "brave Rangers fan saves his friends life", but the boy tells him that he's NOT a Ger. So the repoter writes "brave Thistle fan saves friends life" So when the boy says he doesn't support Thistle either, the reporter asks who he does support, and when the young kid says Celtic, the reporter changes the headline to "fenian bastard murders family pet".

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On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the north coast near aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip.
His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Rangers football shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty-foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Celtic shirts roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilising it instantly.
The other two reached out and pulled the scum hun from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to
the beach.
Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some hooligan elements and secterianism,bigotry and evil people trying to divide
the glorious Celtic and Rangers, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true.
I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of cultural harmony and could serve as a model on which other peoples could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f*ck all about shark hunting. _________________________________________________________________________________________________

Two Rangers fans with a dog are sitting at the bar when in walks a man straight over to the Dog and lifts its tail up, he takes a long look and then orders a drink a sits at a table. Stunned the two huns look to each other in Disbelief, did that just happen? A short while later another man enters and walks over to the Dog lifts its tail has a good look and then buys a drink and sits down. The puzzled huns vow if this happens again they will ask the next man whats going on. They dont have to wait long, as the man approaches they wait until he lifts the dogs tail and one pipes up "Here you whats the crack wi ma dog big man?" he asks. "Oh nothing mate its just theres a Celtic fan out there who says theres a Dog in here wi two arseholes".

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Lubo dies and goes to heaven (of course), when he gets there he is met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. He said to Lubo, "thank ghod you've arrived, we need you to make up our football team" Lubo take a look about and he sees Charlie Nicholas, Jinky Johnstone, Bobby Murdoch, Paul McStay and other great Celtic players. He then spots a guy running about with the hoops on, no 7 on his back and dreadlocks hanging from his head, Lubo turns to St. Peter and says " I didn't know henrik Larsson was dead" St. Peter said " he's not, that's Ghod, he just thinks he's Henrik Larsson.

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A father takes his young son to the zoo where they are fascinated by the lions. "Daddy, Daddy, why is that lion licking his bum?" asks the wee boy.
"Son, that's because he has just eaten a Rangers fan and is trying to get rid of the taste"

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A shabby looking young man wearing a Rangers shirt knocks on the pearly gates and asks to be let in. Saint Peter says "I don't know. Have you ever done anything good like given money to the poor?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Helped a widow or orphan?"
"No."  replied the Hun
"Helped a little old lady across a street?"
"No." replied the Hun
"Well then, why should I let you in?"
"I did do something very brave once." Said the Hun
"And what was that?" asked Peter
"I went to Parkhead to see an Old Firm game and stood in the stands with the Tims decked in full Rangers gear."
"My, that is brave!.  When did you do that?"
"About 3 minutes ago..."

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Two men are fishing on a river bank in a remote area of the Clyde on a Saturday afternoon miles away from a radio or TV. Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "Rangers have lost again."
The other man was astonished and said "How on earth do you know that?"
The other man replied "It's quarter to five."

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Three football fans were driving along when they spied a body in the undergrowth. Stopping their car, the three guys ran over to see what they could do. Unfortunately, they found the nude body of a young woman. Being gentlemen, the first guy dropped his Partick Thistle hat over one breast. The second guy, a Celtic fan, placed his hat over the other breast. The Rangers fan placed his hat over the woman's very private part. Soon the police arrived. The coroner started checking over the body. He picked up the Partick Thistle hat and quickly placed it back. He then picked up the Celtic hat and returned it. Then he picked up the Rangers hat, put it down, then picked it up again again inspecting the hat more closely, and then put it down. Then he picked it up a third time. By this time, the Rangers fan was a bit irritated and he asked,"Why do you keep picking up my hat? Are you some kind of pervert or something?" The coroner responded with a wry smile,"Son, I can't figure this one out. The only time I've come across these Rangers hats before, there was an arsehole under it."

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Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him. He inquired of God, "Where were you?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I'm after making."  Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet but I'm after putting LIFE on it. I've named it earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. For example, there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one with blacks in the south." And then the archangel said, "And what's that green dot there?" And God said "Ahhh, that's Parkhead. Also known as Paradise - That is a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth, beautiful stands, a perfect pitch, an aura of holiness, breathtaking atmosphere, and an exquisite team to grace it. These people here are going to be of great intelligence and they're going to be found exploring the seven seas. They'll be playwrights and poets and singers and songwriters. And I'm going to give them great teams who can play quality football, which they're going to worship and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to watch. I will give them the blessed, I will give them Jock Stein, Jinky Johnstone, Tommy Burns, Paul McStay, Wim Jansen and James McGrory and these men amongst men will lift this club to unlimited glories, and they shall be touched by my hand." Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, balance, what about balance? You said there was going to be a balance..."  God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the w*nkers I'm putting next door to them."

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The Infamous Glasgow Rangers
1. If the Glasgow Rangers ever win the Coronation Cup - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
2. If they ever beat their deadliest rivals 7-1 in a major domestic cup final - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
3. If they ever reach the European Cup Semi-Final 4 times - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
4. If they ever win every competition they enter in one season - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
5. If they ever reach the European Cup Final - - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
6. If they ever reach the European Cup Final with eleven home bred Scots - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
7. If they ever reach the European Cup Final twice - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
8. If they ever WIN the European Cup - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
9. Having won 9-in-a-row - it must be a great feeling to know that for the NINTH TIME IN A ROW - you are
And always will be  2nd

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A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Rangers fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Rangers fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Rangers fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Rangers fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I am a Celtic fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Celtic fan?"
"Because my mum is a Celtic fan, and my dad is a Celtic fan, so I'm a Celtic fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Celtic fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"
"Then," Mary smiled, "Then I'd be a Rangers fan."

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A Celtic fan, Rangers fan and a Falkirk fan are lost in the woods together and spot a farm . The three of them approach the farm and knock on the door. A man answers.
"Do you have a room for the night? ", asks the Falkirk fan.
"Yes, I do but one of you will have to sleep with the pigs".
"Fine I will sleep with pigs", replies the Celtic fan. At 2:00 o'clock in the morning the Celtic fan appears at the door, "It is too smelly down there", says the Celtic fan.
"Fine then I will sleep with the pigs ", says the Falkirk fan. At 3:00 o'clock in the morning the Falkirk fan says " It's too smelly down there".
"Fine then I will go sleep with the pigs" says the Rangers fan . At 4:00 o'clock in the morning the pig appears at the door and says:
"It's too smelly down there!!"

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A Celtic fan enters a pub, after a few drinks he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Do you want to hear a Rangers joke?"
The guy turns to him and says "Listen mate before you tell the joke I should warn you, I’m 6ft 10 and a Rangers fan, that guy to your left is 6ft and a member of a flute band, and the guy there is 6ft 5 and a member of the orange order, Now do you still want to tell your joke?"
The Celtic fan replies, "No, not if I have to tell it 3 times."

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